Are you trying to tell me something?

I've been hearing the same messages from several different people or entities.

Will these become my truths?

1. Let go - pain, feelings, ideas... experience them, then let them go. Holding on to them does not serve me, nurture me or benefit my heart.
2. Make the distinction between feelings and emotions - allow myself to feel without attaching meaning or stories
3. Anger is a reaction to feeling hurt... what hurt? Awareness will shift emotions over time when I choose new ways of being.
4. I am responsible for my own life and my own happiness - remember to choose because I choose it
5. Follow my heart and put my mind to work on what my heart is telling me, not the other way around.

Disappointment

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that the individual feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while the individual feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.^[1] It is a source of psychological stress.^[2] 


~ Expect nothing and accept everything and you will never be disappointed. ~

Laurence Overmire

I was disappointed the other day...
^{What's the point of able express that I was disappointed? What did I feel when I found out my trip to Asia and more importantly, a visit with my wife was cancelled?}


It's true, I was feeling very dissatisfied after my expectations of visiting my wife on a work trip failed to happen. Dissatisfied does not do my feelings justice. In this instance my dissatisfaction included the following flavours:
sad, mournful, deprivation, anger, love, hurt, sick, tired.
Yes, stuck in the middle of all those negative emotions is my silver lining... love.
Yes, I wanted to cry and show the world how miserable I was feeling, but in the midst of all that, I was also feeling much love and gratitude for my life and the wonderful chain of events that have brought me here. Here, where I am a person who felt so many powerful emotions that my body needed to shed some tears. The cause of all this pain? Love... or more specifically, being deprived of a love so wonderful that to me, it was on of the worst injustices I have ever experienced in my life. What does it matter that I have not experienced many injustices in my own personal life? It makes me feel even more grateful for the life I've lived so far... but what of those theories that argue that you can't truly appreciate one extreme without having experienced the other? Does that make my dissatisfaction any less than someone else's? Does it make it any less real? I don't know.


wow, I just got a wave of nausea and sickness wash over me. of course my first thought is why? what does this mean? was it something I ate? was it what I was thinking about? was I bringing something nasty up because of what I was thinking? does that mean I should stop thinking about it? i don't want to feel like that... are these my instincts telling me to stop or are my instincts telling me that I need to dig deeper to figure out what's going on inside of my body?


could I have also been feeling any relief?
not having to pack
not having to ruin the beautiful reunion i've dreamt
what? that's crazy - what poison is entering into my mind?
what happens when sometimes, my love changes to annoyance and judgement - am I tired?
what opens up these feelings that someone wants something from me that i can't provide?
am i selfish?


watching tv - is this dangerous? am i really that impressionable that a drama created for entertainment can alter my reality? is it really poison to the mind? I need to get rid of it... i don't want anything polluting my mind... but I get good things from it too - there's a lot of inspiration there... how do I take responsibility over how my mind reacts to the world around it? how do I ensure that I have the strength to handle life as I really wish to handle it? I've been keeping my world small... I haven't taken too many risks.
why do I feel sick to my stomache right now? am I dehydrated? I'll have some water... i feel better immediately. headache? my stomach feels better. I'm cold, but i'm usually cold. tired but i want to send Jodie my thoughts... thoughts on disappointment.

Instilling Tranquility and Peace of Mind

What does it mean to say that I instill tranquility and peace of mind?

Some definitions:

Instill - gradually but firmly establish (an idea or attitude especially a desirable one) in a person's mind; to pour in or to enter drop by drop; to introduce by gradual, persistent efforts; implant

Tranquility - a quality or state of being: free from commotion or disturbance; free from anxiety, tension or restlessness; composed; steady, even.

Peace - the absence of war or other hostilities; free from quarrels and disagreements; harmonious relations; public security and order; inner contentment; serenity.

I'm beginning to understand why the english language is so difficult to learn. It seems as though every word has more than one definition. After reviewing these definitions, this is what resonates with me the most:

I have a natural tendency to gradually establish states of being free from anxiety, tension and restlessness, which encourage harmonious relations and inner contentment.

This falls in line with the positive ways people have described me throughout my life.
I'm happy with this...
If I cultivate this notion that others have of me, great things are bound to happen!

Being Ordinary vs. Being Extraordinary

This of course depends on your definition of ordinary. What's ordinary to me could be extraordinary to someone else and vice versa. So, what is the point of this exercise? Let's start with some definitions:

ordinary - of no special quality or interest; common place; unexceptional; mediocre; below average; something regular, customary or usual.

extraordinary - beyond what is ordinary, usual, regular or established.

I believe we strive to be extraordinary because it is part of our basic engineering... We constantly try to go beyond where we've been. If we've strayed off course, we find ourselves trying to get back to where we were. In any case, it's towards the common goal of being "better" than we are at any given moment.

I was asked to find an area of my life where I felt I was being ordinary in the meaning of the definition I gave earlier. I'm actually quite happy with myself and my life, and had a hard time coming up with an area where I would describe myself as "ordinary". Perhaps those who know me better would be able to help me find other areas, but the only thing I could think of was my ability to recall the right words quickly enough to express my thoughts and feelings in conversations or presentations - especially on topics I feel very passionate about. I've always felt that my vocabulary was limited by my unwillingness to put in the time and effort it takes to improve, but I never thought that it was something that was holding me back from living a more fulfilling life.

I find myself questioning this now as I look at the number of times I give up trying to explain myself fully because I'm stuck trying to find the right words. This is definitely an area where I do not feel "extraordinary". I also realize that sometimes I decide not to voice my opinion in order to avoid the disappointment I feel certain will come when I can't recall the words I need to express how I feel or explain why I do what I do effectively. I realize that the "ordinary" part of this for me, is the idea that I can be expressing my thoughts and feelings in a more effective manner - at least with people who have the same knowledge of the english language. I feel I do a much better job when I write... there's no way I'd be able to articulate myself as well verbally as I am right now by writing everything down, editing as I go and using an online dictionary and thesaurus!

When I'm not expressing my thoughts and feelings in the best way possible, I'm being inauthentic, which has an impact on the way I'm being in the world. For example, when I'm not able to explain my perspective properly, when I hold things in, when I don't make it clear where I stand, what my opinion is, or how I really feel...

• the world doesn't get to know who I really am
• I allow people to make assumptions about me
• I'm not enrolling people to causes that are important to me as effectively as I could be
• I avoid being challenged and obstruct the evolutionary journey of my values, ideas & spirituality
• I am less effective than I could be at being the change I want to see in the world
• I disappoint myself and as a result, am less happy
• I feel less spiritually fulfilled

There are also some pay offs for continuing on as I have been:

• People won't get angry and say hurtful things to me when they disagree
• It's easier because I don't have to work on my vocabulary, learn more words & definitions
• I protect myself from being hurt by people who don't share my views or values
• I maintain my "me time" I have less people asking for my time, less time needed to explain myself fully
• I have an easier time living a life of integrity as it's easier not to overcommit when you live a simple life on a smaller scope, fewer expectations, less conflict.

So, does this make me want to put the effort in to improving my vocabulary and ability to recall words quickly enough to use them verbally in conversations and presentations? Yes, of course it does... but I'm still afraid it will be a waste of time. I'll be disappointed if I don't see any improvements... BUT, if I am able to step it up and communicate more effectively, well, there's a whole world of possibilities that awaits me!

Often during these personal development exercises, I find myself coming back to the question: when is it okay for us to just accept ourselves the way we are - flaws and all? This is the the underlying theme I've grown up with... Why in this society must we always push ourselves so? I am who I am, and I'm surrounded by people who love me - flaws and all. I always come to the same conclusion: as long as we're open to the possibility of evolving into better human beings, we won't need to push ourselves, we will evolve because we are aware of the choice and we choose it. Now that I've become aware of the possibility that my limited verbal skills are holding me back from living a more fulfilled life, the shift has already begun.

As a result of this awareness, I am creating the possibility of being generous. By being generous in verbally communicating my thoughts, feelings and opinions, I will be living more authentically.

What do you call someone who's only in it for the money?

Me at work, that's what I've concluded. One week into my last new perspective and it's given me another one! Evolution in action people...

That being said, it's only 5 more months and then I'm free to embark on a new adventure. Well truthfully, I'll start the new adventure now... I just won't be able to do it full-time. True, I could quit as I know I have other ways to earn enough to get by, but I've decided to play the game, be nice and accept that hefty paycheck every 2 weeks. It's definitly more than I will make doing anything else for such a short period of time. I'm still learning some valuable things, that should be useful in the future, (like yes, you can get more done in less time, but the quality of your work won't be the same but that's okay for some people) but in the end, the most valuable thing I'm getting out of this whole experience is a better understanding of who or what I am not.

I'm so thankful to have such loving, supportive friends and family to help keep me on a good path. Immersing myself into a place that others have described as somewhat "cult-like" has made me even more aware of the benefits of having such rational, well grounded, self confident and happy people surrounding me my entire life. It's an amazingly precious yet fragile thing the human mind... I'm no expert in cults, but, there's definitely something odd with the culture of my workplace. I just can't quite put my finger on it yet.

Thanks for the paychecks and thanks for a glimpse into some alternate realities!

(and thanks again to all those who were concerned enough about my well-being to mention their concerns!)

Innovation and Succession always follows Disturbance!

Something bothered me at work today... I think my manager was trying to tell me that she's okay if I want to leave and do something that makes me happier. She said that it is "hard" on a team to work with someone doesn't want to be there. Part of me says, whatever man, they're strong individuals, they can handle it - this place is full of things that make it hard for a team to function well. The other part of me is screaming 'You've got it all out of context!!"

I admit that I occasionally make things uncomfortable because I am not a natural "yes person" like so many others around me. I see what this job is doing to many of my co-workers despite the declarations of love for their work. The world is full of different types of people for good reason. I will not just "go along" with the status quo for fear of being ridiculed or judged and I will continue to speak out when I believe something is not right. You don't have to like me all of the time, but I do expect to be appreciated for the different perspectives I bring to the table. Innovation and succession always follow disturbance... don't be afraid of a little disturbance.

To hear that there's a story that I don't want to be there and it's making things hard for my team frustrates me because it's a generalization and it's being taken out of context. If there's one thing that I've done consistently throughout my life, it's been not letting fear stop me from doing what I do or do not want to do. I enjoy the work I'm doing and find it challenging, but is it the most satisfying and meaningful work that I believe I could be doing? No, it's not... but, until I find out what that is, this is exactly what I need right now. I'm not going anywhere until possibly the end of May.

Part of what bothers me so much is NOT the work itself, but the amount of work that is expected in such a condensed timeline. The acceptance and resignation that "it just needs to get done" no matter how much time it takes away from that work/life balance is another frustration. I believe that too much is being expected of everyone with no relief in sight. Growing pains? Sure, but is that a reason to accept it and suffer through? Isn't that kind of mentality for our grandparent's generation? I like to think that we've evolved from there. We know this is compromising our end product and "guest experience". How can we make products that inspire people to live a balance life while we're not living it ourselves?


So... is that the story I'm telling everyone? That I don't want to be there? If it is, then it's being misinterpreted. How do I change that? I don't enjoying being there more than I had expected to be when I accepted the position. I don't enjoy not being able to meet expectations because they are set too high. I don't like knowing that I'm responsible for things that I know I can't deliver with the quality of work I find satisfying and worthwhile.

On the other hand, I do enjoy the process of problem solving, which is exactly what I get to do. I do enjoy drawing and learning about different ways of making things. I enjoy applying the knowledge and skills that I've developed over the years and most of the time, I really enjoy the people that I'm working with. I also really want to start taking advantage of all the free fitness classes available, but I haven't been able to figure out how to fit it all in just yet. I'm enjoying that challenge as well as the challenge of living a balanced life and doing the job I was hired to do successfully.

I find satisfaction in putting the time in that's needed to get things done really well. Where's the art and craftsmanship in whipping things off even thought they're not perfect and make it difficult for interpretation? How is that elevating the world? Maybe the lesson to be learned is that I'm not suited to the fast pace of fashion... but I'm still not ready to go anywhere else just yet.

When I push myself a little, I am often surprised at what I can actually accomplish. However, if you keep pushing me without ever letting me catch my breath, you'll wear me out like all the disposable goods we've got in our world today. Is it so ingrained in our culture that we're not even aware that this is happening to us as well? One thing I know I'm not, is a disposable person.

What does this different perspective look like?

I am stepping back more regularly, to be aware of deadlines and really getting to know how long each task will take. Or maybe I'm becoming disciplined by only allowing myself a set amount of time to do these tasks...

I am stopping my perfectionist nature from narrowing my focus and distracting me from the importance of just getting something done. I remember that I don't want to spend all of my time working! I feel okay stopping, even though something isn't perfect - I don't start fiddling with details until everything's done to a point where it can be handed off - it doesn't have to be pretty as long as it's communicating what it needs to.

I am instantly recognizing the consequences that "changes" and other "bold requests" will be on my ability to deliver so that I am able to communicate them in the moment. I verbalize these things without sounding negative. I remember that a request is only a request when there is a "by when" and the choice of accepting the request or not. I can either accept, decline, make a counter offer or tell them I'll get back to them once I check my schedule. In order to do this, I know my schedule and am able to picture everything I've got on my plate. [How can I have a really clear picture of what needs to be done by when and how long I think it will all take? A "Priority List" in my work notebook? Do I start my day re-writing it... every single day? I do it at least once a week, but do I need to be doing it more often?]

I am realistic about the amount of time meetings take away from my workable hours. I write down the time meetings start and ends in my notebook. This gives me a better picture of how I spend my time. This allows me to be proud of the amount I have been able to accomplish despite the actual hours I had available to actually "work".

I do housekeeping chores like clearing emails and organizing files only after my deadlines have been taken care of... I prioritize certain tasks that allow me to take care of myself like vacation requests, expenses, lunch, fresh air breaks, etc.

Because I'm taking advantage of the convenience of fitness classes at the SSC, I have a good store endorphins in my system throughout the week and more energy to excel in climbing, skiing, etc.