Happiness

The two things that matter most to happiness are love and work.
Love - managing successfully, relations with your family, friends and community.
Work - engaging in activities that are meaningful and satisfying.

What percentage of my time do I dedicate to each of those two things presently?
What percentage of my time would I like to dedicate to each of those two things?

I'm good on the love front... but I either need to find more meaningful and satisfying work, or do it part-time and do more teaching, coaching and service type work.

Different Realities

So frustrating.

I am living in a different reality than the people I work with. It's another real-life example mirroring the world's issues right back at me, the reason some things just can't be resolved. We are all different, and until we can accept that fact, we will never be able figure out how to live in peace. I remember hearing the Dalai Lama say something similar and it really stuck with me. My heart knows it to be true, but is my psyche truly able to accept all differences and move on in a productive manner despite all of the obstacles? If I can't, how can I expect others to do so? What does it mean to truly accept one another's differences? 

I'm beginning to suspect that it means trusting that these differences are true in another level of consciousness and then moving on with that perspective instead of the "I'm right and they don't know what they're talking about" mentality. If you aren't living in the same level of consciousness as someone else, you have to accept that you can't truly make sense of it. If you were truly capable of "getting" someone else's point of view, you'd have no choice but to share it because it would be true for you too.

I am irritated by my team leader at work and I'm starting to be able to put my finger on the reason. She and I are living in two different realities... two completely different worlds. We may share a similar language, and we're able to listen to and acknowledge each other's arguments like diplomats, but when it comes right down to it, she and I have very different ideas of what a good work-life balance looks like. She doesn't "get" why I don't want to donate my time and energy outside of reasonable work week hours to the company just as much as I can't comprehend why she is happy enough with the status quo that she isn't doing anything to change it. It's not just our priorities that are different, but our interests, passions, values and personalities. Where do I go from here if I want to achieve my goals?

I'm not on the right track just yet...

Why have I decided (be it reluctantly and resentfully) to work on my unpaid day off in order to half-meet a calendar deadline? I'm not really sure. I'm trying to figure that out. I feel responsible. Why? Was it fair in the first place? Do I need this job? Do I need a good recommendation when I leave this job? Of course I do. Or do I? Don't I believe that everything happens as it should? What will happen if I decide to change my mind and not finish this task? There are so many other personal things that I need to get on top of. This task will be taking away from those personal needs. Should I continue to do what needs to be done to meet all deadlines physically possible for this season regardless of the mental state it leaves me in because of the sacrifices I have made? Is that fair? Or am I just lazy and don't really want to work? No, I don't believe that I'm lazy and not wanting to work... if I was, I wouldn't have achieved all that I have at this point in my life. Maybe my dad is right... I've been working hard long enough that I'm at the stage where I'm ready to make career choices based on the lifestyle I want. I know what kinds of stresses aren't worth it for me anymore.

I'm going shift my perspective at work for the next few months... we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping it will allow me to meet my short term goals more easily - with an emphasis on lifestyle!! 

Here are my short term goals: (I know, I need to add by when's)

• I have made valuable contributions by creating and implementing improvements in the early stages of the design process so that designers, developers, sourcing managers and factory partners have the time and energy needed to live the life described in our manifesto. Only then do I believe it possible to consistently make product that truly elevates the world. How can you inspire others when you're not doing/living it yourself and proving that it's possible?
• I will have built an ever expanding knowledge base that has allowed me to develop the best raw materials and practices on schedule so that the sampling and initial costing stage can be completed as expediently as possible without any hiccups. This knowledge is easily passed on and shared.
• I work a reasonable amount of hours in a week so that I have the energy and frame of mind to live life to the fullest. (Which means I'm climbing 5.12s, back country skiing in winter, gardening and doing hiking trips in summer, my car is only being used for trips to the mountains or backcountry, I'm cooking every 2 days, reading a new book every month, writing 3 days a week, skyping with my sister/niece in NZ every 2 weeks, skyping/chatting with my parents every two weeks, spending quality time with my sister Jen every week, spending quality time with my nephew every 2 weeks, attending family dinner and having the time to help prepare dinner every weekend I'm in town, not spending into my creditline, paying my bills on time, coaching climbing 2x/wk while in session, taking advantage of 2-3 free fitness classes/wk, keeping up to date on my podcasts, seeing my friends regularly, playing social soccer in summer season, sleeping 8 hrs/night, games nights at least 1/month... take Jeff out driving on family dinner nights until he's comfortable with it... Paul too, creating playlists that will work for my classes )
• I chat or email Jodie at least once a day while she is in Hong Kong.
• I have organized contents of storage locker for the big move, bought all necessities for OZ, submitted two estimates for moving expenses.

Still working on the ending...

Ideally, I write stories that inspire people to live better lives... to take their lives to the next level and lift the global and perhaps universal consciousness to a higher place than it was before. You may argue that it is happening naturally, but why not play an active role in the process? Can I think of a more enjoyable way to spend my life? Not at this moment...

Why not shoot for that? I've achieved so many things in my life... what if I can achieve this one too? It's not that I'm afraid of failure, I think I'm actually afraid of wasting time on something that's not exactly the best, most efficient or prosperous goal for me to be pursuing. I'm just like any old business person I guess... I just want the best return on investment I can get. Am I trying to plan my future too much? To much planning and not enough doing can also be a waste of time. That was something I definitely learned from design.

What are the things that stop me from pursuing this goal?

Off the top of my head:

• I don't have any training in writing
• although I did very well in school, highschool english was one of my weaker subjects 
• why should I presume to have any right to even try it 
• I won't be able to make enough money while I figure out if i've actually got any promise
• If I'm not good at writing, what then? At this moment in time, it's something I just want to be great at.
• I've got a job that pays really well and I'm not ready to quit even though I don't feel that it's quite right for me... I'm learning some valuable things there, I'm sure of it.

Okay, now that I've written that down, let's see what happens...

First things first... start with the end in mind.

I've been reading through the book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" since the summer... I'm only a third of the way through. There are basically two things that keep me from finishing: other more pressing things take up my free time, and the fact that I feel like I need to digest and answer the questions that the book raises before I can go on. At the moment, I'm stuck on the section that tells me to start with the end in mind. My problem right now is that I'm no longer sure of what the end looks like. If I could have one wish granted it really would be world peace - at least I would like to see what that would look like, as I can only assume that it would make all of our lives so much better. (That makes me want to start on another blog post titled "World Peace - those beauty queens were on to something!)

Anyway, I'm stuck because I'm really happy with my life... happy in every aspect save one - I don't feel like I'm utilizing my unique skills and talents in the best way possible to serve the world, and it leaves me feeling somewhat unsatisfied. I've decided to start blogging about my thoughts as I ponder this process... sometimes I feel like I'd like to be a writer, but I've been discouraged over the years enough to make me doubt my ability to actually write well enough to make a difference in anyone's life. I've always been good at the things I do and now I'm starting to wonder if it's been a bad thing for me in the end... never having to try or having to work for the things that I've wanted. Everything's always just happened for me, but then sometimes I wonder if there's something to that as well and maybe I should stop worrying about it and just let what's going to happen, happen again. The problem is I've always wanted something... and subconciously maybe,  it's made me strive to achieve it. Now that I don't really "want" anything that badly, I feel like I'm not achieving anything and it isn't making me feel very good about myself.

I need to find the passion again. What has changed? Why am I so blazay about everything these days? Is this what a mid-life crisis is all about? I just kind of feel like I've accomplished everything I'm capable of and now, I'm just riding out the rest of my life - but I know how horrible that sounds and I know it's not really how I feel, I just don't know what do do next. For now I guess I'm trusting that it's a process and I've just got to look deep and try to figure it out. I've got to remember what makes me tick... what gets me excited to wake up in the morning... what drives me to see what's around that next corner. I don't really remember feeling that way about anything since getting home from my honeymoon.

Start with the end in mind... first I need to figure out what I want that end to look like.