What do you call someone who's only in it for the money?

Me at work, that's what I've concluded. One week into my last new perspective and it's given me another one! Evolution in action people...

That being said, it's only 5 more months and then I'm free to embark on a new adventure. Well truthfully, I'll start the new adventure now... I just won't be able to do it full-time. True, I could quit as I know I have other ways to earn enough to get by, but I've decided to play the game, be nice and accept that hefty paycheck every 2 weeks. It's definitly more than I will make doing anything else for such a short period of time. I'm still learning some valuable things, that should be useful in the future, (like yes, you can get more done in less time, but the quality of your work won't be the same but that's okay for some people) but in the end, the most valuable thing I'm getting out of this whole experience is a better understanding of who or what I am not.

I'm so thankful to have such loving, supportive friends and family to help keep me on a good path. Immersing myself into a place that others have described as somewhat "cult-like" has made me even more aware of the benefits of having such rational, well grounded, self confident and happy people surrounding me my entire life. It's an amazingly precious yet fragile thing the human mind... I'm no expert in cults, but, there's definitely something odd with the culture of my workplace. I just can't quite put my finger on it yet.

Thanks for the paychecks and thanks for a glimpse into some alternate realities!

(and thanks again to all those who were concerned enough about my well-being to mention their concerns!)

Innovation and Succession always follows Disturbance!

Something bothered me at work today... I think my manager was trying to tell me that she's okay if I want to leave and do something that makes me happier. She said that it is "hard" on a team to work with someone doesn't want to be there. Part of me says, whatever man, they're strong individuals, they can handle it - this place is full of things that make it hard for a team to function well. The other part of me is screaming 'You've got it all out of context!!"

I admit that I occasionally make things uncomfortable because I am not a natural "yes person" like so many others around me. I see what this job is doing to many of my co-workers despite the declarations of love for their work. The world is full of different types of people for good reason. I will not just "go along" with the status quo for fear of being ridiculed or judged and I will continue to speak out when I believe something is not right. You don't have to like me all of the time, but I do expect to be appreciated for the different perspectives I bring to the table. Innovation and succession always follow disturbance... don't be afraid of a little disturbance.

To hear that there's a story that I don't want to be there and it's making things hard for my team frustrates me because it's a generalization and it's being taken out of context. If there's one thing that I've done consistently throughout my life, it's been not letting fear stop me from doing what I do or do not want to do. I enjoy the work I'm doing and find it challenging, but is it the most satisfying and meaningful work that I believe I could be doing? No, it's not... but, until I find out what that is, this is exactly what I need right now. I'm not going anywhere until possibly the end of May.

Part of what bothers me so much is NOT the work itself, but the amount of work that is expected in such a condensed timeline. The acceptance and resignation that "it just needs to get done" no matter how much time it takes away from that work/life balance is another frustration. I believe that too much is being expected of everyone with no relief in sight. Growing pains? Sure, but is that a reason to accept it and suffer through? Isn't that kind of mentality for our grandparent's generation? I like to think that we've evolved from there. We know this is compromising our end product and "guest experience". How can we make products that inspire people to live a balance life while we're not living it ourselves?


So... is that the story I'm telling everyone? That I don't want to be there? If it is, then it's being misinterpreted. How do I change that? I don't enjoying being there more than I had expected to be when I accepted the position. I don't enjoy not being able to meet expectations because they are set too high. I don't like knowing that I'm responsible for things that I know I can't deliver with the quality of work I find satisfying and worthwhile.

On the other hand, I do enjoy the process of problem solving, which is exactly what I get to do. I do enjoy drawing and learning about different ways of making things. I enjoy applying the knowledge and skills that I've developed over the years and most of the time, I really enjoy the people that I'm working with. I also really want to start taking advantage of all the free fitness classes available, but I haven't been able to figure out how to fit it all in just yet. I'm enjoying that challenge as well as the challenge of living a balanced life and doing the job I was hired to do successfully.

I find satisfaction in putting the time in that's needed to get things done really well. Where's the art and craftsmanship in whipping things off even thought they're not perfect and make it difficult for interpretation? How is that elevating the world? Maybe the lesson to be learned is that I'm not suited to the fast pace of fashion... but I'm still not ready to go anywhere else just yet.

When I push myself a little, I am often surprised at what I can actually accomplish. However, if you keep pushing me without ever letting me catch my breath, you'll wear me out like all the disposable goods we've got in our world today. Is it so ingrained in our culture that we're not even aware that this is happening to us as well? One thing I know I'm not, is a disposable person.

What does this different perspective look like?

I am stepping back more regularly, to be aware of deadlines and really getting to know how long each task will take. Or maybe I'm becoming disciplined by only allowing myself a set amount of time to do these tasks...

I am stopping my perfectionist nature from narrowing my focus and distracting me from the importance of just getting something done. I remember that I don't want to spend all of my time working! I feel okay stopping, even though something isn't perfect - I don't start fiddling with details until everything's done to a point where it can be handed off - it doesn't have to be pretty as long as it's communicating what it needs to.

I am instantly recognizing the consequences that "changes" and other "bold requests" will be on my ability to deliver so that I am able to communicate them in the moment. I verbalize these things without sounding negative. I remember that a request is only a request when there is a "by when" and the choice of accepting the request or not. I can either accept, decline, make a counter offer or tell them I'll get back to them once I check my schedule. In order to do this, I know my schedule and am able to picture everything I've got on my plate. [How can I have a really clear picture of what needs to be done by when and how long I think it will all take? A "Priority List" in my work notebook? Do I start my day re-writing it... every single day? I do it at least once a week, but do I need to be doing it more often?]

I am realistic about the amount of time meetings take away from my workable hours. I write down the time meetings start and ends in my notebook. This gives me a better picture of how I spend my time. This allows me to be proud of the amount I have been able to accomplish despite the actual hours I had available to actually "work".

I do housekeeping chores like clearing emails and organizing files only after my deadlines have been taken care of... I prioritize certain tasks that allow me to take care of myself like vacation requests, expenses, lunch, fresh air breaks, etc.

Because I'm taking advantage of the convenience of fitness classes at the SSC, I have a good store endorphins in my system throughout the week and more energy to excel in climbing, skiing, etc.

Photos...

I just spent the evening going through photos and posting them to Facebook... what an enjoyable experience it is to look back and remember some amazing times! What an incredible thing Apple has discovered with it's easy to apply music and slideshow effects... They've really figured out how to get the most out of our emotional selves.

Good times... great memories.

Happiness

The two things that matter most to happiness are love and work.
Love - managing successfully, relations with your family, friends and community.
Work - engaging in activities that are meaningful and satisfying.

What percentage of my time do I dedicate to each of those two things presently?
What percentage of my time would I like to dedicate to each of those two things?

I'm good on the love front... but I either need to find more meaningful and satisfying work, or do it part-time and do more teaching, coaching and service type work.

Different Realities

So frustrating.

I am living in a different reality than the people I work with. It's another real-life example mirroring the world's issues right back at me, the reason some things just can't be resolved. We are all different, and until we can accept that fact, we will never be able figure out how to live in peace. I remember hearing the Dalai Lama say something similar and it really stuck with me. My heart knows it to be true, but is my psyche truly able to accept all differences and move on in a productive manner despite all of the obstacles? If I can't, how can I expect others to do so? What does it mean to truly accept one another's differences? 

I'm beginning to suspect that it means trusting that these differences are true in another level of consciousness and then moving on with that perspective instead of the "I'm right and they don't know what they're talking about" mentality. If you aren't living in the same level of consciousness as someone else, you have to accept that you can't truly make sense of it. If you were truly capable of "getting" someone else's point of view, you'd have no choice but to share it because it would be true for you too.

I am irritated by my team leader at work and I'm starting to be able to put my finger on the reason. She and I are living in two different realities... two completely different worlds. We may share a similar language, and we're able to listen to and acknowledge each other's arguments like diplomats, but when it comes right down to it, she and I have very different ideas of what a good work-life balance looks like. She doesn't "get" why I don't want to donate my time and energy outside of reasonable work week hours to the company just as much as I can't comprehend why she is happy enough with the status quo that she isn't doing anything to change it. It's not just our priorities that are different, but our interests, passions, values and personalities. Where do I go from here if I want to achieve my goals?

I'm not on the right track just yet...

Why have I decided (be it reluctantly and resentfully) to work on my unpaid day off in order to half-meet a calendar deadline? I'm not really sure. I'm trying to figure that out. I feel responsible. Why? Was it fair in the first place? Do I need this job? Do I need a good recommendation when I leave this job? Of course I do. Or do I? Don't I believe that everything happens as it should? What will happen if I decide to change my mind and not finish this task? There are so many other personal things that I need to get on top of. This task will be taking away from those personal needs. Should I continue to do what needs to be done to meet all deadlines physically possible for this season regardless of the mental state it leaves me in because of the sacrifices I have made? Is that fair? Or am I just lazy and don't really want to work? No, I don't believe that I'm lazy and not wanting to work... if I was, I wouldn't have achieved all that I have at this point in my life. Maybe my dad is right... I've been working hard long enough that I'm at the stage where I'm ready to make career choices based on the lifestyle I want. I know what kinds of stresses aren't worth it for me anymore.

I'm going shift my perspective at work for the next few months... we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping it will allow me to meet my short term goals more easily - with an emphasis on lifestyle!! 

Here are my short term goals: (I know, I need to add by when's)

• I have made valuable contributions by creating and implementing improvements in the early stages of the design process so that designers, developers, sourcing managers and factory partners have the time and energy needed to live the life described in our manifesto. Only then do I believe it possible to consistently make product that truly elevates the world. How can you inspire others when you're not doing/living it yourself and proving that it's possible?
• I will have built an ever expanding knowledge base that has allowed me to develop the best raw materials and practices on schedule so that the sampling and initial costing stage can be completed as expediently as possible without any hiccups. This knowledge is easily passed on and shared.
• I work a reasonable amount of hours in a week so that I have the energy and frame of mind to live life to the fullest. (Which means I'm climbing 5.12s, back country skiing in winter, gardening and doing hiking trips in summer, my car is only being used for trips to the mountains or backcountry, I'm cooking every 2 days, reading a new book every month, writing 3 days a week, skyping with my sister/niece in NZ every 2 weeks, skyping/chatting with my parents every two weeks, spending quality time with my sister Jen every week, spending quality time with my nephew every 2 weeks, attending family dinner and having the time to help prepare dinner every weekend I'm in town, not spending into my creditline, paying my bills on time, coaching climbing 2x/wk while in session, taking advantage of 2-3 free fitness classes/wk, keeping up to date on my podcasts, seeing my friends regularly, playing social soccer in summer season, sleeping 8 hrs/night, games nights at least 1/month... take Jeff out driving on family dinner nights until he's comfortable with it... Paul too, creating playlists that will work for my classes )
• I chat or email Jodie at least once a day while she is in Hong Kong.
• I have organized contents of storage locker for the big move, bought all necessities for OZ, submitted two estimates for moving expenses.

Still working on the ending...

Ideally, I write stories that inspire people to live better lives... to take their lives to the next level and lift the global and perhaps universal consciousness to a higher place than it was before. You may argue that it is happening naturally, but why not play an active role in the process? Can I think of a more enjoyable way to spend my life? Not at this moment...

Why not shoot for that? I've achieved so many things in my life... what if I can achieve this one too? It's not that I'm afraid of failure, I think I'm actually afraid of wasting time on something that's not exactly the best, most efficient or prosperous goal for me to be pursuing. I'm just like any old business person I guess... I just want the best return on investment I can get. Am I trying to plan my future too much? To much planning and not enough doing can also be a waste of time. That was something I definitely learned from design.

What are the things that stop me from pursuing this goal?

Off the top of my head:

• I don't have any training in writing
• although I did very well in school, highschool english was one of my weaker subjects 
• why should I presume to have any right to even try it 
• I won't be able to make enough money while I figure out if i've actually got any promise
• If I'm not good at writing, what then? At this moment in time, it's something I just want to be great at.
• I've got a job that pays really well and I'm not ready to quit even though I don't feel that it's quite right for me... I'm learning some valuable things there, I'm sure of it.

Okay, now that I've written that down, let's see what happens...